December 23 has been one of my least favorite days for the past 11 years. I don’t know if I’ve blogged about it before, but December 23, 2010 was the day that I tried to save my grandma’s life. I can’t tell you what for sure prompted me to call her at the moment I did, but something urged me to call her. Her words to me when she answered were “Call an ambulance”. Long story short, I called for the ambulance (very difficult phone call to make), they took her to the hospital, and after 27 days her physical body released her soul to fly home to Heaven.
Since this occurred, I’ve dreaded December 23. For years, I’ve carried a guilt associated with this day, and I’ve tried to just wait it out as quietly as possible each year. This is also difficult because sometimes I can be an emotional roller coaster. Last night, I was talking about my dislike of December 23 with my family, and my mom said something that I didn’t know I needed to hear. She told me four simple words: “It wasn’t your fault.”
Hearing those four simple words was like a light switch going off in my brain. Those words started to release me from a decade of guilt, and they reminded me that I was just trying to help. I didn’t kill my grandmother by calling an ambulance; I tried to help her by calling an ambulance!
Even with this feeling of release, parts of today were hard. However, I feel like I didn’t dread the day as much. I could see the sunshine through the clouds so to speak, and I could feel the start of healing. I’m going to remember my moms words – “It wasn’t your fault” – and I’m going to keep in healing!
I pray and hope that if there is something that wasn’t your fault that you’ve been harboring guilt over, you are able to start finding peace too.
The Great Kaysby